Why spouse controlling

It is perfectly valid to expect a reasonably clean home from one another. It is now unreasonable. If you have a real concern about the way I discipline the children, please do not correct me in front of them.

Withhold your thoughts until we can discuss them privately. In fact, expect the controller to be angry at first.

Understand that if you have had little to no boundaries with the controlling spouse up until now, he or she might feel threatened by the shift. Stating your boundary in a genuinely calm manner and sticking to your boundary is best. Seek help first! What If I am Accused of Controlling? If your spouse claims that you are the controller, I urge you to take an inventory of yourself and your behavior. Look over the controller characteristics and doing everything in your power to honestly answer the question: Do I display these traits?

If you see some of these patterns in yourself, that is the first step to change. You can come to compromises and agreements with your spouse where you both feel that your needs are met, that you are respected and that you are equals. Clearly there is some problem, real or perceived, that needs addressing. Suppose your spouse is accusing you of being controlling and is threatening to leave.

Consider counseling with a really good hopefully Christian counselor that will support your desire to keep your marriage intact.

Another great resource in dealing with the heavy toll control takes on marriage is to come to a Marriage Helper weekend. Joe Beam and his staff have developed tools over many years of working with couples and through in depth study of the marriage relationship. We can help. If your marriage is in danger of separation or divorce, call us at to speak with someone or use the form below to request more information about our Marriage Helper workshop for troubled marriages.

We can help you save your marriage even in cases of infidelity, loss of trust, anger, sexual problems, and other issues. We will keep everything you tell us completely confidential. Our motivation is to help you determine if this workshop is right for you and your particular situation. Previous Next. Related Posts. Go to Top. Some mental health issues can cause controlling behavior. BPD is something some individuals suffer with, but it is not a common disorder.

Perfectionism is another possible source of control issues. Perfectionistic people may feel the need to do things right or be seen as doing things right, as having that ideal marriage or that ideal family.

This is related to a deep, often unacknowledged sense of personal shame, so they need to appear really well before others, and this may extend to their spouse as well. Low self-esteem is another cause for control issues. Underneath the low self-esteem, there could be a fear of being useless without their spouse or a fear their spouse will reject them if they express their true feelings. Or there may be a belief that nobody else would love them so will do anything to keep their spouse.

This guide gives you a step by step conversation template to talk through what is happening without getting into conflict. Insecurity in your relationship can also lead to control issues. You may push away any alternatives to yourself.

This may also be due to spousal bad behavior. It may be an attachment issue; maybe you had a parent that was unreliably available and you had to work hard to feel some sense of connection. You may be wondering how to tell the difference between this kind of worry about your marriage and the idea that you should go with your gut if you suspect your husband of cheating on you as an example.

This is an important distinction to make. To really understand the fear, you have to look at the evidence surrounding the source of your fear. Then you want to look for evidence in your family of origin. In short, go for your gut, but make sure the source of the data is based on evidence. So, if you find yourself trying to control your spouse, you might ask yourself if you came to the relationship with the person you are married to with a mentality of trying to fix their problem, or out of some belief that they would be lost without you.

Sometimes the word codependency comes up though this has come into some disfavor in the counselling community. He blows everything you do out of proportion. And, he knows how to twist your words around to give them a different meaning than what you were trying to communicate.

It can get to where you don't want to say anything because you know that he will twist it around to manipulate you. It's important to build a marriage with open and honest communication, but a controlling husband doesn't seem to know where to draw the line. He might do things like checking your phone records even though you've given him no reason to be suspicious, drive by your work to see if your car is there, read your emails, and listen in on your phone calls.

He doesn't want you to have private conversations with others because he always feels the need to know what you're doing, saying, and thinking. A healthy level of jealousy is normal for relationships, but a controlling husband has jealousy far surpasses that.

He's constantly thinking that you're sneaking around. He thinks that every innocent interaction you have with another man is flirtatious and reads too much into it.

You can't even have a conversation with someone from the opposite sex without him getting upset about it. When you have a controlling husband, you're never going to be good enough.

He has himself on a pedestal. And, his ego might be fake while he's secretly very insecure, but he's not going to let you see that side of him. Instead, anything you do differently from how he thinks it should be done will be wrong. If you do well at something, he's going to belittle to make himself feel better.

No matter what you do, you can never be equal to him or better. The ultimate danger of being married to a controlling husband is that it can lead to abuse. This doesn't have to be physical abuse, either. A controlling husband is emotionally abusive to you, and there can be verbal abuse included as well.

And, because he's great at manipulation, if you even hint that you think his behavior is abusive, he will twist everything around until he has you believing that you're the one in the relationship that has a problem. He loves to play the victim. Another danger of being married to a controlling husband is having your self-esteem and confidence destroyed.

You may try to resist it, but eventually, his words and behavior are going to destroy the way you feel about yourself. You may have some days where you feel strong and like you can stand up for yourself. But if you try, he's going to figure out how to turn the words you're saying around until it sounds like you're the one that's being controlling.

Eventually, you will find that you doubt yourself. You start to struggle with feeling that you're capable of what you once were. And, in the end, you'll feel like a shell of the person that you once were. The dreams and goals that you had for yourself seem so far off. When you're married to a controlling husband, the situation can feel hopeless.

When you think you're strong enough to start making a change in your relationship or stop putting up with his behavior, he seems to take control of you again. It's a never-ending cycle that's hard to break. Suppose you feel that your husband is controlling and have examples that you can share with him but never have, do it.

Try calmly talking to him about how his behavior and words are making you feel. There's always the chance that he doesn't realize that his behavior is coming across like this and will be willing to change. Once you're aware of his controlling behaviors, you can probably spot ways to separate you from your family and friends. Decide to reconnect with them and make time for them. This doesn't mean that you have to give them all your time, but don't be afraid to go out to dinner with your friends, visit your parents on a Sunday afternoon, or talk to any of them when you need someone to lean on.

If your husband made you feel like you couldn't talk to anyone about what you're going through because it's your fault and they would only think badly of you this is something commonly done by a controlling person , don't fall for it. Build a support network that you can turn to when you're struggling in life and with your marriage.

Self-care is important when working to take control of any mental health challenge. It can help you to overcome things like anxiety and depression. It's also helpful when you're working on building your confidence and self-esteem. Self-care is things that you do to take care of and refresh yourself. This could be journaling, meditation, reading, or doing art. It also includes things like eating right, getting plenty of rest, and exercising. These are things that help you to feel better physically and mentally.

When you've been living with a controlling person, it's hard to break the cycle. When controlling behavior is such a part of the relationship and emotional abuse, you should leave the relationship.